Anderson 360

First-I would like to thank Don't Worry Be Happy Shirts and all of you who bought t-shirts. It helped make this trip possible.
Referring back to the title Anderson 360, no, not Anderson Cooper, MD Anderson in Texas. I went to Texas last week to get a third opinion about my treatment options. I have had surgery and chemotherapy. The conclusion is usually radiation therapy followed by hormone therapy. That is what has been recommended by my doctors in CA. Normally that would have sounded fine by me, but the pathology did not come back as well as expected after surgery. I had positive lymph nodes and several positive margins throughout the breast tissue. So it was time to have another look see.
Christian's sister lives about 10 minutes away from MD Anderson and has been asking me to come out since my diagnosis. I finally went and it was good. They want to treat my cancer much more aggressively because I am so young. The really nice part about all of this cancer stuff is that everyone keeps telling me how young I am at every office visit.
By treating this cancer aggressively they are suggesting another surgery. I had a simple bilateral mastectomy-they want to give me a modified radical mastectomy. That would possibly be followed by more chemo and then radiation with reconstruction much farther down the line. They came to these conclusions by running a multitude of tests-CT, MRI, ultrasound, blood work up, and X-ray. No part of me has gone untouched. You get used to walking around in scrubs and gowns and I met some really nice people. There was a man from El Paso, Texas who had stage IV prostate cancer, but was just raving about his wife's artistic talents and his sons who are both graduates of Texas A&M.
Sally Kim took good care of me while I was there-waiting at the doctors, cooking great food, and taking great notes during each visit. Christiev came to spend some time in the waiting rooms with us and hang out in Sally Kim's kitchen. My mom held down the homefront-getting the kids to their specified locations, feeding those picky little eaters, and tackling homework.
Now that Christmas is here we are going to enjoy some time together and thank God for all that we have.
Merry Christmas

Recovery, Well...

I had surgery on November 21st. It went well, my family stayed for 14 hours in the waiting room-no, the surgery did not take that long, but there were some delays and recovery time in there too. I half awoke in the recovery room to two male nurses arguing about me going home. They said I was. I cracked one eye open and said, "Dr. Suh said I could stay. I am staying. Call Dr. Mattson-Gates, I am staying the night. Oh yeah, I am in pain, can you give me something?" They gave me morphine. YUCK! Did I tell you that all opiate based narcotics make me vomit? I made it through recovery and being moved to my room all without "decorating" the floor or a person. I just kept breathing through my nose and wishing it all away.
I know I seem to say this a lot, but I had two fabulous nurses, Michelle and Althea, who took care of me all night. Christian made a bed on the couch and they gave him some blankets and stuff. I awoke about midnight, not feeling too hot. I knew it was coming-the barfing. I grabbed my little styrofoam cup and then realized too small. I ripped the top off of the pitcher of water they had brought-mmmm, too small too. I was like Goldilocks. Which one was going to be just right? I called out for my knight in shining armor-Christian-and he rushed to my side with none other than the bed pan-pee hat. I was lucid enough to realize, please no, not the place where I have to go to the bathroom, please just get the colored bowl that is for barfing. He made it, and all was well.
I thought all was well until cheery Michelle came in to announce I had until 1 am to use the restroom on my own. I knew what they had planned if I did not conform to their ways. I would have to get a catheter and there was no way that was going to happen. I mean really, they just chopped my top half off, did they have to mess with the bottom part of me too?
I dredged up the strength at 12:55 and went to the restroom with not just Michelle, but sweet Althea too. There I was with a bucket in my lap barfing my lungs up, but I went #1-so no catheter for me. VICTORY!Then Althea tucked me back into bed and the next thing I knew it was 6am. Praise the Lord! No more barfing and no more opiates.

What Really Happened? Beauty School Dropout

Disclaimer*Remember-I was going into surgery and some of my memories are hazy at best because they like you drugged and malleable for surgery.
My surgery was scheduled for November 21st. We woke up early and checked into the hospital at 6:30am. When we walked in there was my father-in-law waiting for us with his newspaper and coffee. It was so sweet and he looked so steady, like it was all a piece of cake. This is the guy you definitely want in your corner when your scared or uncertain. I went back into pre-op and was given the requisite paper gown, socks, and beautiful head cover(think large hair net that flops from side to side). The gown and socks were a really cute purple color so at least I felt partially fashionable. It was really cold in the room. The nurse tucked me in like I was a little girl and said she would warm me up. The next thing I know she hooked a vacuum hose up to a hole in the SIDE of my paper gown and warm air filled my gown and bed. It was blissful. I was asked a million questions to which I nodded and smiled just comfortable in my warm bed. My mom came back to visit, Papa came to pray over me, Sam hung out with us and talked to the anesthesiologist, but then it was time to draw some purple marks all over me and nobody but my husband should see that-so there was a break in the visits. Curtains closed, gown moved, the drawing began and looked interesting. Then Dr.Mattson-Gates signed both sides with a flourish and I was ready. I got settled back in bed, the curtain was whipped back and Josh was there, he really scared me. I think we both jumped(he thought he might see something he never should and I feared a big guy looming behind a curtain in a place where they chop you up). We hung out with Josh and he prayed over me giving me peace that had started to slip a little.
I was given some drugs to relax before surgery and then it gets a little hazy. Beth came back to chat, my mom came back again, and then I don't really know much, it all runs together. There was a Dr.Greaser(real name-who had coffee breath that I just wanted to keep smelling because I do love my coffee) who injected me not once, not twice, but four times in places where I have never been stabbed. Daniel(the nurse) was kind and let me crush his hand as long as I promised not to dig my fingernails into him. Some stuff caused a delay so I didn't get into surgery until 12(I think). While I waited I played Words with Friends-thank you Sam.
Then it was Go Time. They wheeled me down the hall(I had foolishly rejected the 2nd dose of relaxation drug)and of course I became the nervous talker. What's your name? This is all for me? Do you have children? What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Me?, No, I am not cooking this year-you get the picture. Fill the white walls and sterile objects with chatter and they will disappear, right? They moved me to the surgical table and all I thought was how do fat people not fall off of this thing. It was as skinny as my 16 year old, but it worked. Then my arms were laid out either in crucifixion or I hope supplication? I was given an IV and this is where I wonder what happened...
Was the operating room filled with music that the doctor liked(maybe a little Beyonce and Adele followed by some Foo Fighters? Did the doctors and nurses discuss the mundane tasks they had to do after work that day? Was there blood and gore everywhere as they chopped, sliced, and diced removing that cancer from me? Did they open me up and say oh no? Was it like Dr. 90210 and I just looked like a jellyfish hanging everywhere?
I like to picture the scene from the movie Grease-"Beauty School Drop Out". A little singing, dancing, and cute outfits that make everything dreamy when you wake up.

Beauty Pageant Girl

I always wonder how much to tell my children concerning my breast cancer or how they will interpret what I tell them. We have been very straight forward with the kids and I think it has gone well-except when Italia thought I would give her chemo by kissing her. I did not tell them exactly what would happen during surgery-only that they would remove the cancer from my body.
Well, Italia went to her brother's soccer game on Saturday and hung out with her two friends from her soccer team. They had a great time and they all came home happy. Last night all the boys were at practice and Italia shared with me that Montana-her soccer friend told her they would have to cut off my boobies in surgery. She said this as if Montana was saying something completely ridiculous. When I explained to Italia that is what they did do she was a little shocked. I explained that they gave mommy some fake ones so my body still looks real. That is when she got really excited and said I was just like the girls from the beauty pageant or Toddlers & Tiaras, except my fake boobies were under the skin. Reality TV does have its benefits.

What a Girl Wants

I cannot get Christina Aguilera's song out of my head. I guess I just keep hoping I will get what I want-now. Life has been a series of ups and downs since I last blogged. I went to my last chemo and had a horrible reaction. I blew up like a tomato and they had to stop the chemo. I guess you could say I counted my chickens before they hatched. I strolled into chemo with Jamie thinking this is it. I had visions of sushi, hot yoga, and spin class running through my head. I was a little full of myself thinking I got this one on the bag. Well I guess I left the bag at home because it didn't work out that way.
Then I got the news that two more rounds of chemo were waiting for me. I was a little sad, but chemo was the devil I knew. I knew how I would feel, what I would look like, and how to appreciate the down time. What do you know? My wonderful surgeons Dr.Suh and Dr. Mattson-Gates could move my surgery up by three weeks so I wouldn't have to have more chemo. Wasn't that so nice of them? I didn't think so at the time, I didn't want to be sliced and diced or chopped up. I liked chemo because I still looked like me amd there wasn't any lopping off of any body parts. Jamie asked that I not use the term "lopping off"-it grossed her out, but after 25 years of friendship I like to gross her out.
In the interim I went to the City of Hope and met with another oncologist for the 2nd opinion. In his opinion Kaiser was providing me with the exact same treatment he would and it all looked great.
On to surgery...

One More to Go & The New Normal

Only one more chemo treatment to go! I survived the second to last chemo treatment, but not without a little bit of drama. My veins have decided to roll over and play dead so it took three different IV's to get the chemo going. My fabulous nurse(Ann who got me on the first try last time) could not get two of the veins to stay put. She had to call in Elmer-who I like to call the vein whisperer-although they don't laugh when I say that, to magically get the IV in. So I was sitting there when all of a sudden I felt as though my face was on fire. I thought to myself is this a hot flash? Am I already getting those? Then I started to itch. First it was the ears, then my throat, then the chest, and then all over. My face and chest turned red like a tomato. Finally the breathing got to be a bit tricky and my chest kept getting tighter and tighter. Luckily Christian was there and he got the nurse. In the back of my mind I was thinking if Sally or my mom were there it would have been the scene from Terms of Endearment when Shirley Mclaine was screaming that her daughter needed her medicine. I don't know if I would have laughed or cried at that point. So the nurse stopped my IV and gave me a big push of Benadryl. That made me so loopy I was content to stay all night. Alas, it meant the chemo was going to take much longer than anticipated. My mom came to get me so Christian could go coach soccer. As we were sitting there the lights started going out, the janitor was emptying the trash cans, and all the doors were being locked. That song "Closing Time" came to mind, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." You know the nurses were bummed that I had the reaction and someone had to stay late to watch over me-it was Jenny and she was really kind.
So I have many new "normals" in my life, some good, some bad, some just weird...
I used to work...now I watch cooking shows and make new recipes everyday.
I used to run...now I am a walker, sometimes with a friend or my dog.
I used to take 20 minute showers...now I am down to 3 minutes.
I used to think Facebook was a waste of time...now it is a great way to connect with my family and friends
I used to not have time for anything...now I have time to play Memory with Italia, Yahtzee with the kids, and go to all Chase's games at 3:15 in the afternoon
Cancer isn't so bad when I think about some of my great new normals.

ChChChChia

The good news is my hair has started to grow back. Of course it is not growing back exactly as I had hoped. It appears to be growing on my face-yuck and like a gray Chia pet on my head. The upside is it is soft and downy, but the downside side is it is the color of steel wool. My lovely husband referred to me as Gandalf the Grey. My mother-in-law was much more kind. She said that my hair was platinum like Marilyn Monroe. I would be happy anywhere in the middle of those two analogies. As soon as possible I am going to have Darryl color these little hairs into submission. The hair on my face just needs to go away.
A week and a half ago we did the Race for the Cure. Thank you again to all those who participated. It was amazing. I felt so blessed and I know my family did too. Next year I hope to be running it with many of you-and by then I should feel the breeze through my hair, not skimming off of my scalp.
I finished my sixth round of chemo on September 27th and I am happy to report that there are only two more sessions to go. Things are starting to move quickly again-time to ask questions and make some choices. I go see the surgeon on October 11th, the oncologist on October 14th, and then back to chemo on October 18th. It will be time to discuss surgery, reconstruction, follow-up treatment, and everything in between.

People Are So Kind

Last night my brother and sister-in-law, Darryl & Beth, went down to the Komen suite to pick up the some of our team packets. That was really nice. It was extra nice because they have 4 kids, homework, dance practice, and dinner-plus they both work full time. The Komen people helped them research last minute additions to the team and put together more bags for our team. That was nice too. Today I stopped by the school to drop off the race bags and it was picture day. They put me in the class picture-jeans, scarf, sunglasses and all. Nice right? Well after school I went to the car wash. Yes I am still supposed to stay away from people, and I was really tired later so I paid for my activities, but...Francisco at the car wash asked how my treatment was going. I have never talked to him before today. I get my car washed maybe 3 times a year. He said to me that I am always smiling and he wanted to know if I felt ok and how my chemotherapy had been going. So nice. Then...a dear family friend, Joann, flew in today from back East just to join our race team. My other two sister-in-laws, Sally Kim and Christiev, are flying in for the race this weekend too.
Just remember when you go about your day that people are truly kind and to count your blessings. They are everywhere-if you just look.

132 Angels and Counting

Our team is amazing! As of today we have 132 people signed up for the Susan G. Komen Race on Sunday, September 25th in Newport Beach. The race is expected to draw 30,000 people and I am so excited to be a part of it. My dining room looks like Pepto exploded all over it with all the pink shirts, hats, and bags everywhere.
My house arrest has been modified and I am hoping to be released fully for Sunday. My numbers have not come up all the way, but they are starting to bounce back. I have to have another blood test on Thursday to see where the numbers are at. I look like a pin cushion with all the holes in my arms. I keep trying to lift weights to get my veins to pop out. Last time the girl who took my blood greeted me with, "Hi, I am an extern, do you mind if I draw on you?" Well OK, I don't mind. I should have minded. She put the needle in my arm and nothing came out. Then she panicked and moved it around trying to find some blood flow. Needless to say the supervisor had to come and help her. Everyone has to learn and everyone has a first day, but blood draw should really be exempt from that practice.
Mr. Bob Frazier said I should get some Tiger Blood since it helped Charlie Sheen. I do have something better; they are going to give me 8 days of steroids after my next cycle. The steroids are really magical and I feel like Wonder Woman when I take them. Too bad it's not long term. I was thinking I could give them to Chase too so he could fly through homework and practice, but the pharmacist said it wouldn't really work.

House Arrest

I guess you can lump me in with Charlie Sheen, Lyndsey Lohan, and Paris Hilton, well not really. The doctor put me on house arrest for at least 5 days because my CBC's went down to a whopping 0.0. Congratulations you do not have any immune system left. I had my fifth round of chemo last week and it is my new drug Taxotere. Luckily I have not had any nausea and vomiting, but the body aches and tingly fingers are pretty funky.
I would have blogged sooner, but I was a little disoriented and my brother-in-law Josh said I was talking like Dr. Seuss. Just thinking about it makes my head go Would you, could you, in a box? Would you, could you with a fox?
So I cannot leave my house and if I do I am supposed to wear a mask. Beth said we could bedazzle one, which could really be a new trend during flu season this year. Darryl always has some pretty good ideas, but Beth is knocking them out of the park with this cancer stuff. She also thinks I could wear those false eyelashes that have bling at the tips. We could start a whole new business-Couture Cancer Wear. Speaking of accessories, Christiev bought me some new head scarves, a swim cap, and eyebrows. Yep, she bought me some beautifully shaped, perfect color, human hair eyebrows. Remember when I thought I would look like Andy Rooney? It's true. They are really funky and I cannot help but wonder who they belonged to.
Only three more treatments to go and then I will be done with this chemo stuff.
Now that I am stuck at home you might hear from me more.
Did I mention that they gave me an antibiotic which has a warning about ankle pain? I cannot eat any minerals two hours before or after taking the antibiotic and if I have ankle pain I am supposed to go to the hospital. What is a mineral? They told my husband it meant milk, yogurt, cheese. I thought that was dairy.
Until next time.

Mommy...

Italia has had a sinus infection for the last couple of weeks so I have only given her a kiss on the cheek lately. The other day I gave her a kiss on the mouth and she said..."Mommy, Your going to give me the chemo!" I had to explain that chemo is medicine Mommy gets, not a sickness she can get. It was cute and made me laugh.
Tomorrow I have my last "red devil" chemotherapy treatment and then I am on to the new stuff. I am really looking forward to getting this monkey off of my back and feeling like myself again.
Yesterday Christian and I watched the Ford Ironman Championship in Kona and that was inspiring. Two competitors had battled cancer and come back to compete. This could be a great goal for me if I could just get over the swimming in the ocean thing.

Insanity

First it was a cheesy version of an elliptical, then it was Billy Blank's Tae Bo, and lastly the P90X. I thought I was through with infomercial workout gadgets and gizmos. Who needs them? I love to run, bootcamp is the best workout I have ever done, and training for a triathlon keeps the boredom at bay(although after watching Shark Week I might rethink all ocean swimming). Needless to say I have fallen victim to another one of the infamous infomercial promises of improved health, six-pack abs, and a lean physique.
I bought the Insanity DVD system on Amazon last week. I could blame it on the chemotherapy and how rotten I felt. I thought to myself that this DVD would make me feel better for sure. The people on the commercial were fit, energetic, smiling-not a cancer patient in sight. The first workout was really a challenge-it was opening the front door to sign for the package. The second workout left me feeling weak and clumsy-that was just getting the box opened and reading the list of workouts. Who was I kidding? The most strenuous activity I have done in the last two weeks was to walk to Nana's house accompanied by Elijah and Italia. The 1.6 mile walk took us 25 minutes. I think we were definitely trying to keep up with the snails on the street.
Apparently I have not fooled my husband. He asked if I could send it back the minute he saw the box. Stubbornly I refused to send it back. I thought to myself, I need this workout. This will make me feel like the Lance Armstrong of cancer survival. Lance Armstrong? Really? I know, I now, but it could happen. Just the other day my brother-in-law Josh wanted to know when I would get my super powers. He said that Spiderman got them right away when he was bit by the spider. I told Josh that my superpowers would come when my hair grows back.
I realize now that I do have superpowers that other people are sadly lacking. First of all I have an amazing husband. Who else would watch three hours of VH1's greatest rock songs hosted by Bret Michael's after a chemo treatment? I stayed awake for numbers 100-95, but I missed the final five. My fabulous husband informed that Guns N Roses was number one in case you missed it. Second superpower is a family that just rocks. My sister-in-law Beth calls to check up on me and just be my anchor. Then of course there is always the fun when Darryl leaves his phone out and Christian hacks his FB which sends a slew of posts that make me cry with laughter. My mom and dad who have always been supportive and giving have achieved hero status. Mom braved Magic Mountain with Chase and his friend for 12 hours. Grandpa won every animal at the fair for Italia(small fortune spent-priceless pictures). Nana and Papa have been solid and I think Nana prayed in every church in Europe for me-she even used Holy water. Sally Kim-well she is just the whole kit and caboodle. She creates really fabulous food that will for sure put the weight back on me. She prays for me, sends me scripture, and is helping me get a second opinion from the best cancer fighting doctors in the world. What more could I ever ask for? My last super power is my friends. Without them I would wallow and that is not good for cancer.
When I was drafting this in my head today it began a little morosely. I was feeling down this last week. Sometimes I think this is bad. I have cancer. I saw the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love yesterday. In one scene the people at Steve Carell's office are worried because they think he has cancer. When they realize he's just getting a divorce there is a huge sigh of relief. "Don't worry, it's not cancer, just a divorce. It's not cancer" his boss yells. I wish I could yell, "It's not cancer!"Soon I will be able to yell, "I am cancer free." That will be my ultimate superpower. I will kick this cancer in the booty!

Its Been A While...

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend Heather. Heather looked at me and said, "It's not often we get a second chance to stop and appreciate our life and what is truly important." She was right. Cancer can be a blessing and never more so than when you have a family and friends like I do. I have spent the last couple of weeks with my amazing family. My husband's family is truly a blessing and they are too much fun. I love watching Nana after the boys have told her a funny story and the way she laughs and giggles like a little girl. While my husband's family was here we had a mini California vacation. We went to the beach, the fair, and some brave souls went to Disneyland. Most of all we just hung out in Nana's kitchen and cooked with Aunt Sally. After the fun I had to resume chemo yesterday and that was different than it has been in the past. I had to go in an hour earlier for blood work because my white blood cells were too low on Monday to let me have chemo. Up until this point I have had the most amazing nurses. They have been efficient, gracious, and humorous-Betina, Jenny, and Nancy. I had a new nurse yesterday-callig her Nurse Ratchet would be cruel-bless her heart, but mildly appropriate. Oh my goodness, she was a train wreck. She left trash everywhere, ran around like a chicken with her head cut off, and asked me to hold most of her supplies. Don't get me wrong, she was kind, but a mess. Normally I go in at 9am and I finish by 12:30pm. This time I went in at 8:30am and did not leave until 2:00pm. My nurse had been on vacation for two weeks and had a little trouble starting my IV. I have really good veins and she liked to move the IV all over trying to get it at the right angle. She made it a pillow out of gauze, hoping it would flow better. She would forget that she was holding it and turn to do something-taking my vein with her. Ouch! Then she proceeded to tell me stories and whenever she became animated she would move the IV to emphasize her point. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. She also kept telling me about all the other departments she has worked and I kept thinking you really need to find yor right fit. Maybe front office where you are just in one place? I tried to feign sleep so that she couldn't tell me stories and move the needle anymore. Needless to say it backed up and started swelling and itching so much they had to remove it and start a new one. Fortunately Kae came to my rescue and popped a new one in and I was on my way. During my 5.5 hour stay the man sitting next to me couldn't speak English. Nurse Ratchet kept talking to him in English slowly and loudly thinking that would work, but the poor man kept saying, "No English." I almost took pity on both of them and translated for him, but it kept her away for me so I let him suffer.
One of the chemo meds they give me is red and looks like Kool Aid to me. Well here are another few names the patients have given it-Red Devil, Red Bomber, Red October. I only have one more Red treatment and then I move on to the less nauseating Taxotere.
Thank goodness

Chemo Knocked Me Down

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" by Chumbawamba is the theme for this week. I had chemo on Tuesday and I am just starting to feel human again. I guess I really need to appreciate the good days where the focus of my day does not center around what pill did I take and when can I have another one? The nausea is the worst. I take three anti-nausea pills three times a day after chemo. Can you imagine what is was like before they had all these great medications? The other little known benefit of the medications is how it changes your bodily functions. Needless to say things move at a snails pace internally. Week one down and two good weeks looking ahead. My sister-in-law arrives tomorrow and I am so excited. We are going to make key lime pie, tortilla soup, and guacamole. She is one of the best cooks around so I am looking forward to putting back on the five pounds I lost in the last three weeks. Did you know that I can only eat vegetables that are grilled or peeled? I never thought I would be so desperate to eat a fresh, crunchy arugula and tomato salad.

Postmistress Discussion 2

Okay, if you have not read through chapter 12 this might spoil some events for you so you might not want to read this.
I feel bad for Dr. Fitch because he cannot let go of his father's ghost. I also am mad at him for not manning up and staying home with his wife.
Frankie's story just gets better and better. She seems to grow in strength while some of the other characters become weaker, even though she has lived through absolute terror.
Iris becomes more fascinating with every chapter. Her relationship with Harry, her desire to do her job well, and her motherly instinct towards Emma.

Chemo Round 2

I survived another round of chemotherapy yesterday. I went in at 9:00am and left at 12:45pm. It was actually quite relaxing and my nurse Betina had a great sense of humor. The girl next to me had a bad reaction to her chemo and it was quite scary. She turned red, she couldn't breathe, and she felt just horrible, but that was her 6th treatment. I couldn't help but wonder if that is what I will feel like in the next 4 treatments.
I am officially a Twofer. I found out from Dr. Vemuri and Dr.Suh today that I also have cancer on the right side. It is smaller, only about 2cm, but I definitely have bilateral breast cancer. The good news is my course of treatment will not change, I will continue to have chemo until just after Thanksgiving followed by surgery. I got more good news today that the chemo is already working its magic on the left side. Dr. Vemuri could feel less of the margins. Woohoo!
Today with my beautiful beaubeau and my lovely tan the girl at the check in asked where I was from. She said it sounded like I was Posh Spice from England. Too funny, maybe my beaubeau brings out the snobby Englishwoman hiding inside this California girl.

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday to the greatest dad in the world. Today is my dad's 70th birthday, but you wouldn't know it. He is ageless. For those of you who have had the pleasure of knowing my dad you have been blessed. He has taught me some of the best life skills a girl could ever ask for. When I was seven he taught me how to play blackjack. Even though I feared sharks more than anything(even those fresh water sharks that only exist in the mind of an 8 year old) he taught me how to water ski. When I was older he showed me how to work really hard at my job, but also how to love every minute of it. He survived those dreaded teenage years including teaching me how to drive a stick shift. It helped that we went out in the dune buggy and I could run over things and concentrate on letting the clutch out. He tried to teach me how to read a map and get through geometry, but some things are just impossible to learn, including "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on the piano. I am as tone deaf as they come. Thank you dad for always being there with a whistle and a smile.
Love you, Chaser

Steel Magnolias

Did any of you ever see the movie Steel Magnolias? There was this scene in the movie where Shirley Mclaine's dog is barking and running around and he had lost most of his hair. He had chunks of it falling out and he looked like a patchwork of fur. Well, I officially look like that dog. I only have patches of hair left on my head and it looks a little disturbing. I told Christian I felt like the Terminator when he is blown up and half of his head is missing or a version of Teri Hatcher in Spy Kids after she catches on fire. I do not use these comparisons in a depressing way, just a visual perspective of how crazy it is to watch your hair disappear from your head. I had to have another biopsy and mammogram yesterday and today. I swear it is just new forms of some kind of medieval torture device. The biopsy was ultrasound guided and I was able to watch the needle go in and remove bits of flesh. Then they put you in the squishy machine(mammogram) and take pictures of where they have just removed your flesh. Gross stuff, but the nurses are really nice and cheery. I guess they have to be since they deal with women parts all day. Can you imagine what they see? All shapes, sizes, and colors, to be manipulated by their squishy machines. For those of you who have had a mammogram it really is quite astounding how they can smash, contort, and compress all that stuff while smiling and saying, "Hold your breath."

Shedding Season

Shedding season has officially begun. I took a shower this morning and two weeks to the day of my first chemo my hair began to fall out. It is definitely a gradual process but I feel like a dog because I am always scratching. Can you imagine what my house would look like if Darryl hadn't cut my hair? It would be like sheep shearing season around here. I do have to say that the new haircut has some definite benefits. When I go swimming with the kids I feel like a duck because the water just kind of rolls off of my head. I just realized there are three animal similes in this little update. I think I need to get out more.

Don't Worry Be Happy

The world just keeps getting better and better. My friend Dana approached me about this organization called Don't Worry Be Happy. The organization began when a beloved family member, Kevin Carlberg, was diagnosed with brain cancer. He wore his "Don't Worry Be Happy" shirt to his doctors appointments and everywhere else to spread happiness. After he passed they made copies to remember him and now they sell the shirts to help cancer warriors with their medical bills and to fund cancer research. They have been kind enough to include me in their warrior profiles and to their Komen Walk on 9/25. You can see me in my fabulous t-shirt and log on to read the stories that are so inspiring. Thank you, Dana and thank you to the people at DWBH shirts.

The Postmistress Discussion 1

I know that it is way past Monday, but here are some of my observations and questions about the first three chapters of The Postmistress.

I like Frankie. I like that we can see the war through her eyes and her passion for a story. It is kind of like a female Band of Brothers feeling. The Blitz is a frightening event that is portrayed so eloquently.
I am not sure what to think of Iris. She is an odd duck, but is she attractive or not? Red hair like a curtain and red lips. She seems to be an enigma of sorts. She thinks that Emma is a runaway at first and she defends the German man to Florence.
Lastly, the doctor's new "little" wife? We shall see.
What do you think?
I am enjoying the book so far...

On a side note I have not recommended this to my junior high students because I have not read it yet. One student wanted to join me, but she called the book the The PISTMISTRESS It has a much different connotation if she is "pist." Spelling always counts!

Grammy Gave Me Inspiration

Today I wasn't going to blog because nothing "big" happened today and then I realized that "nothing" is a really good thing. When I look at something like cancer happening I think we always want to know the how and why. I also think we need to look at it as what positive aspects can this bring to my life? I was just emailing my Grammy who I haven't seen in much too long and it came to me why getting cancer hasn't been so bad. I have talked more to my grammy, my uncles and aunts in Colorado, and connected with my family and friends than ever before. Even my little niece Gianna left a comment on my blog. Before cancer it was easy to go through the motions of work, family, commitments, and just busyness. I think that this was God's way of saying, "Stop and smell the roses. You are blessed."
You have all laughed with me, encouraged me, prayed with me, and have offered to help in so many ways. I am truly grateful and blessed.
By the way, just for you slackers out there, I ran 4 miles this morning. I will be ready to kick some serious Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure Pink in September.

Thank You, Thank You

All of your comments have been so nice about my new look. I have to say that now I know how men feel with such short hair. It is so easy to get ready, I can shower and be ready to go in 15-20 minutes. Awesome!
My younger children were really nice but both of them asked if I could wear a hat or my beaubeau so that it looks like I still have hair. Chase said I look awesome. We really look very similar now. I do have to make sure that the eyebrows and make-up are done so that I don't look too boyish.
When I lose my eyebrows that will be a whole new discussion. They have these human hair eyebrows you can buy, but I would feel like Andy Rooney from 60 minutes. Gross, I do not want another person's hair glued to my forehead.

My New "Do"

Today went much better than I expected, probably because Christian, Darryl, and Beth were with me. Christian took time lapse photos of Darryl cutting my hair. He stopped for several styles in between. Beth talked to me and entertained me. There were no tears, just lots of laughs today.
I know what is important in life is not the material or the physical and today definitely proved it. I am so blessed to have a family and friends to share these experiences with me.
Here is the new me-

Hair today, gone today

Today is the day Darryl will cut my hair off. I am really freaked out that I am going to look like any one of the following individuals: Annie, Justin Timberlake, Sinead O'Connor, or even Screech. Although of the list, Sinead might not be so bad. I know it will be better to cut it off than to beg Darryl for help once it is all falling out, but I think this will be a tough day. I bought several scarves as prior post claims, the Beaubeau will be my new best friend, but my husband thinks I should get a few wigs(For those of you that know my husband he is not into wigs-he just wants me to freak people out) and try some things out. I was thinking about a Barbie wig or I can borrow Italia's Hannah Montana wig. I might just have to enlist some friends for a wig date and try on some new styles. I will post a picture after the event today.

Great News..and Even Better News

On Thursday I went back for the results of my genetic screening to see if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene-most commonly known as the breast cancer gene. I was very nervous about the results because that meant it would impact my children greatly. They would have a higher probability of breast, ovarian, and prostate cancer. The results are in and I am not an X-Men. I do not carry the genetic mutation! I was so happy, really great news.
As the title suggests that was the great news, but there is even better news on the horizon. Chase had finals all week at school and he worked very hard all year(with slight encouragement from mom). He struggled with geometry but did very well in all his classes. All semester geometry was a thorn in his side that went from an F, to a D, to a D-, and back to a D. Going into the final he went ahead and registered for summer school since there wasn't a high probability of passing with his current 68.75. Alas, a miracle and hard work with dad until midnight every night during finals week-the boy earned himself a 70.70! No summer school for the Holiday family.
I can handle chemo and hair loss, but geometry? The line has to be drawn somewhere. Way to go Chase!

The Doctor is Calling...8pm?

I got a phone call from Dr. Suh last night at 8pm. He works very hard and he is very kind. I feel like I have one of the good guys on my side; he is thorough, he explains medical terminology well and the procedures I will undergo. The MRI results are in and I have two more areas on the other side that need to be biopsied. I am going to come out of this looking like I have been stuck with a million push pins. For those of you that know me well I do not sew and I had to look that up on the Sewing Dictionary. Well, the good news is the new biopsy won't change my course of treatment. It will require another biopsy during surgery, but at least I will be asleep!

Book Club-Disclaimer

I have never read the book, The Postmistress that I so recklessly decided to start a book club over. I began reading it and found it a little odd, but the characters did capture my attention. Of course I was undergoing chemo so maybe everything around me is a little odd. I am going to reread the first section and post some comments/questions on Monday. Thank you all for joining me!

Quote of the Day

"Writing is calisthenics for the brain. When your working your thoughts out on paper you get ideas you might never have had."
David McCullough-Two time Pulitzer Prize Winner

Kicking Cancer in the Booty

Today I went for my first chemotherapy treatment. Please forgive any and all typos along with grammatical errors-I am loopy from the meds.
I checked in at 9:30am and was told to sit in chair 7. Then I had to move to chair six- a little unfortunate because the woman next to me had fallen asleep with her TV blasting a Spanish infomercial, oh well. The chemo room holds 15 patient chairs wrapped in a U shape. It was fun to watch the other people, hear their very personal habits(bathroom stuff), and just people watch.
I had a fabulous nurse today, Jenny, who enjoyed Christian's humor and said I had the veins of an athlete. I guess it was the miles I ran this morning and the push-ups I did trying to kill the cancer with fitness. That did not work so now we are on to pharmaceuticals.
First they started the IV and then let the saline run for a while. Next I was given six little pills to help with nausea and vomiting. Christian was very appreciative that he would not have to be cleaning any barf. Jenny, nurse fabulous, came out with two huge syringes filled with red meds also known as Adriamycin(which will make my hair fall out in one to two weeks) and Cytoxan. She had to inject the Adriamycin slowly into my IV while the Cytoxan ran through a bag. I guess there is no going back now.
At the end Christian asked her what we owe her? I asked if she had a tip jar? She laughed, but I think she thought it was a great idea.
I will go back in three weeks for another treatment and in between hang out with my family and friends.
I have a CT tomorrow and genetic results on Thursday.
Life is good!
Just in case I have the dreaded diarrhea my lovely mom dropped off wipes and butt paste-What would I do without mom? We all know that would be a tough purchase for my husband.

Book Club-The Postmistress by Sarah Blake

I realize that starting tomorrow one of the most vigorous activities I will be doing is reading. I still have plans to take care of my family, workout, and run, but in reality I will have a little more down time. I bought some books for my mom, sister-in-law, and friend and hope you will join me.
Recently, I read the book The Help and I thoroughly enjoyed it. When I was looking through the stacks at B&N I found four books that I really want to read, but this one caught my eye because the author of The Help said "A beautifully written, thought-provoking novel that I'm telling everyone I know to read." Well, that was good enough for me.(But my husband always says not to judge a book by its cover-he told me to add this)
This blog will not be just about my adventures, but it will also be about my relationships. (this is Christian her husband and anytime you see { } I will add notes from here on out. My wife is not a polygamists just to be clear)
I have been so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life(who I tried to name, but really how lucky can a girl get? There are too many to name).
Most of you share my love of literature {ok, a few of you nerds do} so I was thinking that we can read together. I do not want this to be an Oprah's book club where every choice was really depressing-I picked this and I hope it works.
The teacher really never really quits her job so I was thinking that chemotherapy lasts 12 weeks and the book has 28 chapters. We can read 3 chapters a week and be done before chemo ends.
I cannot promise anything other than some conversation and accountability. Let me know if your in and I will begin Monday June 13th at my first chemo appointment. The book is called The Postmistress by Sarah Blake.

Beautiful Beaubeau

Today my beaubeau scarves came in the mail. I tried them on and I am pleased to report I don't look like an ancient biker wearing a doorag(I have no idea if that is how it is spelled). They are fashionable and will stay in place; added info-they were really expensive, but I figure if I don't have to pay for color, cut, or product it will all work out in the end.
Tomorrow Darryl will be so kind as to begin my transformation into a "Justin Timberlake" cut. As Beth said I can sing "Cry Me a River" if I don't feel like my self. I was hoping for more of a "Senorita" or "Sexy Back" instead, but we will see how it goes.

From Zero to Hero

I was trying to catch up to the last few days of not posting which is why I have posted so much today. I was a little overwhelmed trying to finish at work. I did not want the kids to feel as though I had left them short and a little part is vanity thinking no one can teach them as well as I can. Anyway I wanted to congratulate Kaiser Permanente. From the day I felt the first lump(May 11th) until the day I will enter into chemotherapy it has only been one month! They have set me up with MRI's, CT's, MUGA's, bone scans, genetics, general surgeons, oncology, radiology, and plastic surgery. I know that people always fight the big bad insurance giants, but I have been happy with their performance and their care. Thank YOU! Of course I start chemo on Monday so it might change.

Chemotherapy the Jabberwocky

If any of you have read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland she must defeat the Jabberwocky. It is Lewis Carrol's nonsense that makes sense. Chemotherapy is like the Alice who must defeat the Cancer(the Jabberwocky). The chemo will enter my system and kill so much of me only to save me. In the process I will experience the side effects of battle including but not limited to: flu-like symptoms, eye changes, kidney changes, weight changes, hormone changes, fluid retention, and of course constipation and diarrhea.
It seems like such an attractive combination-hence the Jabberwocky. Nonsense that makes sense. In order to defeat the monster one must understand how the monster works-
At the end of the poem(which I will not include for those of you who do not love poetry) Alice says,
"Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas-only I don't know exactly what they are!However, somebody killed something. that's clear, at any rate-"
In conclusion, I must defeat the Jabberwocky.
The Jabberwocky is also from America's Best Dance Crew and they had movement that by itself did not make sense-but in the end it worked.

Genetics, MUGA, and Diet for Diarrhea?

Well, it has been a very interesting last couple of days. I have been poked and prodded by so many kind people who give me a massive amount of information and watch me nod and say ok! Last week I went to meet with a genetic counselor. She was a very kind woman but I could not stop thinking about her beard. Yes, I said it, she had a beard. I know, these are some of the most important decisions I will ever make and I kept thinking at least I don't have a beard. It was definitely a once in a lifetime experience with the genetic counselor. I took my mom so she could help me answer some questions and it turned into an episode from Jerry Springer. No matter how normal you think you are-you still have a family with skeletons and unresolved issues that have to be dealt with. It is much easier to live in our tiny little boxes where no one questions our decisions and we think we are perfect.
Once genetic testing was over I went on to the MUGA. For those of you who are uninformed like myself-it is a heart scan to see if you can withstand chemotherapy. It was pretty basic, it required two IV's, and a very nice little man who had warm blankets and a big machine to take pictures of my heart. This is a very basic definition and as an English teacher it should be filled with imagery and literary devices, but it was really like taking a nice nap with needles jabbed in my arm.
Last but not least(really, not least) I had to attend a chemotherapy orientation. My husband, my rock, went with me. We checked in and were looking for a classroom where I would shine, because I love school. I would have a binder, highlighter, different color pens, and a list of intense, but appropriate questions.
It ended up being a one-on-one consultation with a wise nurse who put on an hour video for us to watch.
As we watched there were different topics, "What is Chemotherapy?", "Care for the Patient", and out personal favorite..."Diet for Diarrhea." Well, we are so infantile that we exploded into gut busting laughter(in the middle of the chemo ward) and tried to listen to how to care for a diarrhea. Really, we instantly revert back to first grade when someone mentions bowel movements. Apparently there are a variety of ways to help alleviate diarrhea(have to look it up every time I type it)but it really comes back to the basics-BRAT diet.
Are you thinking of the Parenthood song?
"When your slidin' into first and your feelin' somethin' burst-diarrhea, diarrhea." "When you slidin' into home and your shorts are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea"
I hope I don't have to experience all of the lovely side effects; but it will be an adventure along the way.

Tests and More Tests

Next week is test week-some not so bad. Genetic counseling on Monday-mom will accompany me due to the fact that my family history is limited to Granpy who says, "Today is a good day, I woke up on this side of the dirt today." Next I will have the MUGA, for the heart, does not require any prep and does not take too long.
Friday is the bone scan-fasting for four hours, check-in two hours prior-and then get injected with dye before the scan. Will I look like a character from X-Men? I would like to be the blue girl because she can be anything- but we will see. CT will be next but doesn't require anything drastic.
Still waiting to hear about MRI and chemo orientation.

I really don't want to fail any of these tests; I am still a nervous test taker from school and a teacher's pet so let's hope I do well.

5k Today

Today was a fabulous day. This morning I woke up and took three of my children to a 5k event locally(Christian had the soccer draft). The race was to raise money for Pulmonary Hypertension. When you think life is really tough you just have to open your eyes and there is always someone who has had it tougher. The race today was in honor of a little girl-who was only 4- when she died from PH. She was an identical twin and when her parents spoke today it made you want to hold your children close. The event was called Taylor's Wish and it took place in Anaheim Hills. We ran the event last year, just 20 of us, and it went well. Today there were 97 runners plus more people from our little church and school thanks to a wonderful and dedicated teacher who took it on. Thanks, Mrs. Marti. The sky was bright blue, there were families everywhere, and people came out because they care.
It was so much fun running in a race where we knew so many people-there was cheering, yelling, and praising of all age groups(from my little nieces Araylia and Isabella) to former junior high students(George and Gabby). My children did well and I was so proud to be a part of such a positive event.
Thank you to all of you who were there. I think next year we can double the numbers from today.

Race Anyone?

All of you that know me have said that we will probably start doing "pink" events to raise awareness, money, and support breast cancer research. Well there is a race in Newport Beach on September 25, 2011. I am not saying that I will sign up today, maybe tomorrow.
Here is the link if your interested.

To chemo or not to chemo

Since the doctor decided to see me I have many updates. There wasn't a McSteamy or a McDreamy in sight. On the good side there were a few fabulous doctors who had compassion, knowledge, and were willing to answer our inane questions. They were not inane to us, but someone with their level of education was very patient. Apparently I have a mass of considerable(depending on who you speak to) is it considerable size for my body type or for anyone? Well, I am supposed to begin chemotherapy within a couple weeks. I forgot that at the end of the visit with the multitude of instructions to have my four vials of blood-luckily I am married to Mr. Wonderful who reminded me and walked me over.
I paid $90.00 for a three hour consultation today. During that time we asked for our second opinion, not because we didn't like the care, but because we feel that two will be better than one. Does anyone really care about driving 2o miles or an extra $30.00 when you have cancer? That did seem to be a concern today and for future reference it really is not a big deal.
They gave me these lists of what I can and cannot do. I cannot eat fresh fruit or vegetables-then is that why people have cancer? I have to bathe often. Really, who doesn't? Oh, I am sorry if you don't, but I teach junior high and bathing often is a requirement for social success and likeability. I also have to avoid those of you with contagious illnesses and any animal excreta. I guess the children will have to pick up the poop.
I also have to have surgery and reconstructive surgery. For my poor husband it will be like having a hairless cat for a wife. High maintenance and crabby all the time.
Please send your prayers his way as he will be the one picking up the slack that will be our life.
Next week we will update on the multitude of tests: MUGA scan, CT scan, Bone scan, MRI and so on and so on.

The Doctor Will See You Now...

Today I finally go to meet with three surgeons after receiving my diagnosis last Friday. Maybe my surgeon will be a McDreamy or a McSteamy to make it feel like an episode of Greys Anatomy. Or we can return to the days of old with ER and Dr. Ross or Carter will do. Unfortunately I cannot pronounce either of the doctor's names I am scheduled to see so I doubt there will be any movie star looking doctors.
I went to boot camp this morning. Nothing like getting your but kicked to start the day off right.

Hot Yoga, Anyone?

Yesterday my mom and I went to a hot yoga class in Fullerton at Purple Dog yoga. I have wanted to do this for at least two years and I finally took the time to go. I keep thinking that I need to do as much physically as possible before I have surgery and chemo.
My mom picked me up and we headed to downtown Fullerton. We checked in at the desk with a very kind girl who let us know that we should set up our mats in the back away from the mirror. Well, of course I don't want to be in front of the mirror-who wants to sweat and hang upside down in more than one view in a room full of strangers.
The instructor was very kind, she welcomed us to class and let us know that she would help us throughout class.
The room was comfortably warm and immediately I began to relax and let the anxieties of the day melt away. We began with some basic poses that warmed up the body and made you feel like rubber. Slowly the intensity went up with push-ups, down dog, up dog, forward bend(i do not know the yoga terminology) and all the other fluid poses. Before I knew it sweat was pouring off of me and stinging my eyes. Mom was having a little trouble, but she was a trooper. There were all different fitness levels in the room which made me feel better. There wasn't any pressure, just a feeling of peace and hard work combined. We left the class feeling exhilarated and spent. We must have drank a gallon of water after and I woke up today pleasantly sore and ready to go again.

Stop Reading About What You Cannot Fix

I keep searching the internet for more information about diagnosis, treatment, and recurrence. I do not meet with the surgeons until Thursday, June 2nd so I won't know the extent of my diagnosis until I meet with them. Has it spread to my lymph nodes? What stage is it? I know what grade it is, but there is so much more. I keep reading these stories from women about their experiences, but all of our bodies are unique and respond differently. I am really freaked out and can only go one day at a time.

If I cancer, then why am I so lucky?

The Results Are In

On Thursday evening I had Open House for my classroom and my own children. I left about 6:00 to open the room and fluff it all up. It was a surreal night. I was talking to parents about novels we read, reminiscing with my students, enjoying the fellowship of it all. In the back of my mind was this nagging little voice would I be here next year? would i see these children grow from 6th to 8th grade? What path would I be taking? It was really like a double rainbow moment-What does it all mean? Well I left there that night ready to take on the next step when I noticed a new email from Kaiser. I am online with them and it said I had a message from a nurse. She had tried to call at 6:20 but our house phone was unable to take messages-she would call tomorrow. I called and emailed her back asking her to please call my cell phone, I would be available anytime she needed. That night we lay in bed looking up biopsy results, questions to ask after a biopsy, and treatment options. I slept poorly but got up, went to work, and waited. My phone rang around 10 o'clock, but it was my mother-in-law calling to tell me she loved me. The nurse called a little after 11 and I walked out of my class to take the call. She asked if I had somewhere private to talk and I told her yes, but my husband would really like to be there. Until this point I had really pushed him out of my appointments and went it alone. He did not want me to do that and so we opted to go to her office at 2 o'clock. I went to tell Beth-we cried together but figured that we could fight whatever it was. Then I went back to my class told my two friends and got ready to go. It was strange but I still wanted to get ready for Tuesday-post all the homework, make copies, look over the lesson plans and make small adjustments. Then I left with Chase-who was on furlough day and headed home. My mom agreed to pick up the kids and away we went. Christian and I were driving down South and I felt so sick. My throat started to close up and I felt like I was going to barf. My breath was erratic and my mind kept spinning around and around. We stopped for lunch at Red Robin-veggie burger for me. My mind settled a little with the conversation and choice of mundane menu items. We went to Best Buy to get an iPad2 case and then off to the doctor's office. I checked in with nervous anticipation. When she walked out I didn't want to look at her. This was my grim reaper come to tell me what was wrong with me. Yet, she wasn't a grim reaper, just a really nice woman not too much older than me with a kind smile and a pink office. She sat us down and let us know that yes I had cancer-INVASIVE LOBULAR CARCINOMA-ohhhhhhhkaaaayyyyy. My head was spinning, tears started to fall, I grabbed my husbands hand and waited for the rest. The mass is about 4cm in size, grade 1(slow growing), and Her2u negative. The news went from bad to a little better.
Next step, let's ask some questions-oh, you can't answer any? The surgeon will tell us? When is that? Why do I want to do that? What are my treatment options? My little list form the American Cancer Society went out the door with her answers-but...
Would I like to take part in their new breast center clinic? I would meet with three surgeons at once-general surgeon, surgical oncologist, and plastic surgeon. They would look at all my information at 11:30am and I would meet with them all at 1:30. Well, I asked why wouldn't I? Alison said I would have to pay three co-pays for the meeting, okay, any other drawback? No. Let's do it then. So I am waiting for Thursday, June 2nd to meet with them so I can move forward.

The Biopsy Confusion

Mammogram=Playdough

First Doctor's Appointment

What the ???????

So two weeks ago I was standing in front of the refrigerator trying to decide what to have for an early afternoon snack. Do I have the nachos with jalapenos or something else? I knew I was going to ruin my dinner but I figured I could banish some calories later. I was already doing bootcamp at 5:30am everyday I could swing it. I placed my hand on my chest trying to determine what I really wanted when I felt this strange lump.Uh-oh, what was this? I swallowed my fear picked up the phone and with a shaking fear called the doctor's office. I have Kaiser Permanente for insurance and I was calling at 6:00pm. Of course I got stuck in voice mail land and it took about 5 minutes to navigate my way out of it. The first available appointment was two weeks away so I had to press "0" and talk to a human. I explained to her that I felt a strange lump on my chest and she got me in the next day...